This piece was inspired by Disney’s Mulan. However, the narrative involves switched genders to provide an entertaining read while exploring gender issues and gaps.
Once upon a time, in a land not too far from where you live, I used song and interpretive dance to try and gauge some complex emotions that I would not otherwise have been able to articulate.
“Look at me… I will never pass, for the perfect bride… Or the perfect daughter.”
I look at my face, painted with make-up. All white. This is meant to be beautiful-and they all say I’m beautiful… but it doesn’t feel that way.
A heavy sigh builds up in my chest as I think of my family’s failed attempt to get the matchmaker to find someone for me. They didn’t worry that I would die alone and without honor, until last week, when everyone suddenly spoke of nothing other than the need to find me a man.
Last week, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, my mother walked into our blossom garden to find me holding hands with a childhood friend of mine, gazing intently into her eyes. That’s the thing about love; you know it’s true just by looking at it.
I did not think of the ramifications of such desire before, for I had never been alone in the same room as a man (just as my family had instructed). Desire for men was taboo growing up. But no one really talked about there being love between women- seventeen years spent with my family would leave you believing that such a thing could not exist at all.
Yet, I’ve known differently, for as long as I can remember. Being around a man that I am unrelated to is enough to leave me feeling a little queasy. The presence of a family member (other than my father) when I am interacting with an unrelated man, is not enough to make the man mind his manners. Always, I can feel such a person’s eyes gazing at me from top to bottom, in a way that I am wholly unused to. It is not the pure, loving way in which my friend, Xi Xi looks at me. It is different, and hungry. It makes me feel less like a person, and more like a rooster that is soon to be cooked. Eerie enough to send chills down my spine.
***
“Can it be… That if I were truly to be myself… I would break my family’s heart..?
Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”
I cannot live like this anymore. My father has been summoned to war and I am meant to be married when he is away. It is as if all the pure love that has existed in my life is soon to leave me. Fate is pressing me to accept all of this on its terms- it does not matter to anyone how I feel about anything.
So I will leave. Fate cannot dictate me into a life of unhappiness and fatherlessness. This may be impulsive; it may be the decision that ruins my life forever. But the fear that my spirit will be eaten whole from regret in the future is greater than the fear of what lay down the road of choice… and treason; I cut off my hair, pick up my father’s sword and ride off into the distance- to replace him in the Chinese Army.
***
*Gulp*
There are men everywhere. Looming, lurking… SPITTING. This place is disgusting. These people are barbarians. My solace lies in the fact that no one has looked upon me, as they would upon a woman. My heart beats faster as I think of my family learning of what I have done; their disappointment, and fear for my life. I think of Xi Xi, and feel like crying.
A whistle blows in the distance- we have been summoned by a newly appointed General. We trudge along in the dirt, till we are assemble around him. My jaw drops.
That has got to be the most beautiful man ever to exist in all of China.
He is nothing like other men. With his long hair tied back in a pony tail (a bit like Xi Xi), a shining white smile in this den of dirt and despair, and glowing skin like the afternoon sun. He is well-groomed, like no other man. My heart beats faster. I have never felt anything like this before.
Could it be, after all these years, that it is possible to love both a man, and a woman?
***
People at our base camp know me as ‘Ping’.
General Chang has been very hard on me during trainings, as was expected, with my secretly being a woman and all. However, a few things that I took for granted earlier seem to have morphed into important existential enquiries: As a woman, I’m not as bad at physical labor as I would have previously thought. I ran into difficulties at the start of training, but I am turning out to be a fast learner. I may not the best here, but am certainly not the worst either. I have learned that being a woman doesn’t mean you can’t be strong, fast and focused in battle.
But here’s the strange thing: although I am a man here for all intents and purposes, and am performing slightly above average, I feel that the General is disproportionately critical of me. He shouts at me more, makes me practice long after training is over, and looks at me with anger. I don’t understand why.
Or I didn’t, until last night. I was training alone, by a lake reflecting the moon- it was a beautiful sight. General Chang turned up out of nowhere, with the strangest expression on his face; it was very sad, yet with the hint of a smile. More gently than he had ever done before, he pointed out some of the mistakes I was making. Then he looked me in the eyes, and told me he loved me.
***
After returning from war, I told Chang who I really was and why I had left home. I was honest to him like I had been to no one else. It was difficult at first, but he accepted me for who I was- the person behind the name ‘Ping’ or ‘Mulan’ or whatever. We are now married and accepted in 17th Century China. This was not what either of us would ideally have wanted, but we know who we are, and our love is built on honesty. At times my heart still yearns for Xi Xi, and Chang thinks of ‘Ping’, the man he fell for. But the world outside does not know, and if given the task of concluding our story, it would only say the following about us: “And they lived happily ever after”.
