‘Finally’ I spoke, my voice but a whisper addressing the angels that accompanied me as my soul ascended to the heavens. I had never been as free, and my body wasn’t aching anymore. Four months had passed, and I hadn’t tasted how my mother’s milk tasted. A pipe through my nose was feeding me everything from the heavy dose medicine to the food intake. ‘It was painful’ I told the angels.
We were twins; a boy and a girl. I didn’t know what happened to him, but all I knew was he disappeared from the womb. We were growing together for two months but then he wasn’t there anymore.
The warmth in there was comforting; I was wrapped in silk, and it was cozy. I remember when I was just a fetus, my umbilical cord got tangled in my limbs, it was weird, my hand wouldn’t grow and some of my fingers from the other hand too. It must be the gene mutation that even my eyes weren’t quite right. But I never gave up. The odd thing was even the doctors couldn’t see through the ultrasound that something was wrong.
My mother had had two children before me. They were boys. All she did was pray to have a baby girl, to have me. After nine months, eight days and four hours in her womb, protected by her warmth and love, I was born.
When all of my family got to know about my birth they were happy as one can ever be on the birth of a child. But it broke their heart as I wasn’t quite ready for the world outside my mother’s tummy.
My mother was quiet and worried. She didn’t know how to react to me not being quite healthy. I was hardly four pounds and looked like a premature birth of a child.
But she never abandoned me not even for once. She took me up in her arms and kissed my face. That kiss was like no other. It was warm, and it felt like a relief from the agony that I was in. The next four months were nothing but a trial for her, as I couldn’t feed on her milk or any other milk. I was being fed by a pipe through my nose. Oh, I still remember the first time they inserted that pipe down my nose, it felt like something was cutting me through, like a small cactus and it felt the same yesterday too. I was in pain, but I wanted to try. Letting go was not an option I considered. I still smiled when she was about to cry, to give her hope that it’s not over. Every day the struggle was more real and more intense. Sometimes she had to skip lunch. The agony and the pain never changed, it was the same but some more. I saw my mom cry and kiss me and not sleep the entire night for me.
She nurtured me and loved. The warmth of her skin was like the first sunny day after rain. Her lips were honey, and her eyes were the cold breeze. Her arms my heaven as she took care of me like no one. Those sleepless nights and those tears just for me to feel better. But what about her? She needed to get back to life as it was narrowed to me in her mid-life.
My cries were her sorrows, her love wouldn’t suffice. My lungs started to give up, and it was a death cup. Even after all of this, she never gave up, but it was a rope led down to a dark abyss. It only got worse; I had abnormal electric discharges from my brain which they called seizers. I never saw her cry as much as she did that day. My face turned blue, and so did her faith. But she was strong, or was I the strong one? It’s not possible I tried to tell her. But she fought with all her energy or was it my energy that kept the inevitable at bay?
Who am I living in pain for? Why me? I started to question as I began to realize, I don’t want to struggle anymore. I don’t want to see her pain in because of me. As much as I loved her or as much as she loved me. We both knew to be happy, we both needed to let this go and stop the struggle as it gave no pleasure but false hope. The false hope of me staying with her and that it’s all going to be alright but one thing we all know that it’s not.
But you see… spirits cannot be held, kissed or hugged. The body that was her vessel is what she will surely miss. But our spirits that were shared and she lied as much in me as much I lied in her but that’s a promise, no one can take that away from her.
On that cold night on 11th of February, I decided to let it go… for good. I was in her arms, and she held me closely, for her arms promised security. She looked at me with affection and purity, and I could sense her hope losing in me. She kissed my cheek, and I heard a sigh. I tasted that love for the very last time. I closed my eyes as it was time to leave as the angels were waiting for me. As I said goodbye, the color of her face faded as did my life.
