Sometimes, the bliss of a trauma is that it shocks you so much that it messes with your memories, making you forget whatever happened. However, most of the times, you don’t get that lucky.
I felt a pair of hands grab me from the back and feel my body. I didn’t know what he was doing or why he was doing it, but it felt good. He touched me down there and kept doing it. I thought it was wrong to be touched down there, and yet, this man, a relative of mine, kept doing it. I didn’t know why I was feeling what I was feeling. I never really understood those sensations back then.
This occasional touching slowly turned into a daily thing, and I regret saying that I enjoyed it. I wanted it. At times, he would lock my lower body between his legs and ask me to escape. It was all fun and games for me then. I wish it weren’t.
He never kissed me; my teacher used to. One less sin he committed. When we would be home alone, he would sleep with me. Those were the worst moments. He would push it inside me, hurting me, making me scream, and yet, he wouldn’t stop. I had no idea about the implications of what I was suffering at the hands of someone who was my relative. Who still is my relative. Whom I trusted.
I was 16 when I realized what these games actually were.
It wasn’t some one-time thing; it went on for years. Still haunts me today, in my dreams. At times, I wake up exhausted and sweaty. Screaming. Trying to fight all those monsters that haunt me in my dreams. Monsters, trying to have one last go. People, wanting the first go at me.
I get scared of how people look at me and smile. I feel like running away from them and not see their face. Their sly smile. It keeps reminding me, scaring me, and holding me stiff where I stand.
Nothing scares me more than being touched or looked at that way. I’m scared of people using my body for their excitement and hormonal satisfaction; I’m afraid of the male race even though I am one myself.
I’ve tried getting over all this, but yet, it lingers on.
I believe the fight is till death.
I hope I win.
