Her

She was smiling
She was laughing
How could I have known?

She followed me everywhere, she laughed with me, and she spoke to me all the time. She was there, I was there but I wasn’t there for her when she crumbled.

It was only a matter of time, but she was laughing so how could I have known?
Sure she suffered but was leaving worth it?
Faded in the darkness, my existence
Lost in the grand abyss of the void where once my heart stood
My feelings, my ego my respect
All went down the drain
The day my laughter met with screams
My smile replaced tears
I am lost
For in this world, only the perfect reside
Only the silent are praised
Broken is what I am
Fixed is what they need
So many standards, so many expectations
How can I survive in this cold world?
Give me reason, give me hope
Give me anything so I can reach up
To a piece of rope or a shred of hope
Anything, anything at all
Nothing at all, leave me be
In the midst of my crimson deep
Where lies laughter and imperfections
Where exists hope and a way
How can I emerge when the ocean depth is so calm
So peaceful, with no voices anymore
Give me one reason to reach up
Give me one reason to speak up
Give me one reason to swim up
Give me one reason to live

See, she told me in her way that beyond this smile resides a demon clawing on her soul.
People ask: what happened? This is so bad, how will God forgive her? She had everything. But did she have the trust and the love?

Yes, she had everything, she had a loving family, and she had a great home. She had great friends but she didn’t have love, her freedom. She went with the flow and soon the flow took her where she found peace. She just wanted to escape the barrels of her mind. She cared for little things, an appreciation from here, a clap or two from there. A smile.

No, she didn’t want a boy to love her. She simply wanted a hug from her mother, trust from her father and love from her siblings. She wanted to become a priority. I look at all of them crying now but they never believed her she was sad. They called her ungrateful. She was married to the most loving person of the world. She tried to mold herself according to the society. She tried to keep their pride intact but the burdens of the norms rested on her shoulders and she took the responsibility gleefully thinking this would make them appreciate her. But she was wrong, all they said was that it was her life. Every girl had to do this. Why was it that everyone besides her wanted life to go slowly so as to enjoy every moment? She decided to stop. She couldn’t make anyone happy. Nobody bothered to find out the reason, they preach others but fail to follow it themselves but finality is so done for so she decided to give life a chance. Finally, she decided to do what she could do best. Pretend!

She pretended to be happy, she wore a mask. But all these restrictions on her slowly formed a chain wrapped itself around her. It was like an anchor of her troubles, tied to her and when she tried to push herself up she’d still be pushed down into the deep suction of misery. She picked herself up over and over again. But internally she wanted to let go.

Every day she pretended to be a normal girl. Inside she wanted to run away and fly high. She believed there was something out there for her. She was sick of her fake self. She wanted to reveal her demons but she couldn’t because she would no longer be pure. She’d be hated by everyone. Was sacrificing everyone for the sake of her selfish pursuit worth it? No it wasn’t so why didn’t it feel right? Why the tears in her eyes? They said it takes time but it’s been a year and her heart doesn’t beat when she hears her chosen one arrives. Her lips never reach their edges. She was doing the right thing so why did it feel right to everyone but her? All these questions keeping her awake at night was what triggered her towards her last breath. All she want is peace. She wants her life back but most of all she wants herself back. And slowly the anchor she was trying to escape from became heavier or was she slipping? She lost to will to live so she let it drag her down. And while we simply joked about with her, she slowly convinced herself that it is the only way. It would kill everyone around her so the only way to get what she wants is to stick herself with a pointy end. The possibilities were endless and she was excited. Besides her family would be happy with their other role model for children, she was never a part of them. Her friends loved her, but they could get over it eventually. She looked for one reason for her to stop slashing her wrists, too bad others didn’t tell her so. And so she drifted away, to darkness she called light, she floated in the open skies, she flew among the birds of heaven. Only this time her eyes did light up, her heart would soar and her laughter would echo.

I should have helped but I couldn’t
The rights and wrongs compelled me not to
And now I sit here, tight with regret and lost without my friend