My passport says my religion is Islam. Right now, my family is offering their Fajr prayers after eating sehri. While they pray, I am rolling a joint. At the end of this holy month, I will go to the Masjid and offer Eid prayers but I wouldn’t know what to say so I will just pretend to mumble and wait for the imam to finish. I will stand and prostrate when everyone else does so. I have to in order to fit in.
Every Friday, I am peer pressured into going to a Masjid and spending a few minutes sitting down, getting up, and then sitting back down before waving my head right and left and coming out again. I know when to say Inshallah, when to say Subhanallah and when to Astakhfirullah.
I know when Islam can favor me and I use it to my full advantage. When abroad, I wield the might of the Muslimaan Ummah and build all kinds of beneficial connections with Muslims.
I respect Islam. I think there are beautiful elements. I revere the architecture it has spawned and I fully believe that the last prophet was a perfect example that we should all follow. And I am loyal to my clan. I will not stand for anything which hurts my people.
But I have doubts. Contrary to what my passport says, I do not consider myself a Muslim. I have my fair share of sins. I have been drunk. I have smoked all sorts of herbs. I have ingested all sorts of colorful pills and funny-looking mushrooms. I have gone to all sorts of fun parties where I have made out with more women than I can count, got into fights over the most trivial things and sent other people to the hospital.
You know those shiny cars drifting around a deserted roundabout late at night, filled with booze, evading the cops? Yeah I am one of those people. I am one of those people who bribe the police because someone in my family is a prominent police official. I cheat people whenever I have the chance and have little remorse for it.
I also have a set of beliefs. I don’t care much about the minorities to do anything about it but I don’t think any mortal has the power to declare certain minorities as Muslims while discarding others and calling them kaafir. I believe that we shouldn’t treat Ahmadis like shit. I believe that sectarian violence is a problem.
There are times when I try to embrace Islam. There are times when I try to learn. I have just confessed to most of my big sins. But you are in no position to tell me that I will go to hell or heaven. If there is a God, he shall decide my fate.
I respect the sanctity of Islam. Therefore, I do not consider myself a Muslim. But I want to explore. The Quran states that all you have to do is to reach out to God and he will forgive.
I want to be forgiven. But the people who are judging me right now, and the people who hold esteemed positions in the religious arena have created a toxic environment for people like me.
I am scared to enter a Masjid.
I am scared of asking a question.
I am scared of saying something because blasphemy.
I am a graduate from one of the best universities in the country. But what good is my degree when I can’t ask a question in the land of the pure. People like me flee abroad. I want to stay. I want to be forgiven. I don’t want to go astray.
I would like to end with a question. I am no Muslim, by any standard but isn’t religion supposed to be something personal? A intimate connection between man and his maker?
If so, then why has it become a communal leader-board? Why are some people superior in a religion where everyone is equal? Why is there a religious caste system where I am at the bottom?
The Islami Jamhooria-e-Pakistan is broken.
I am crying as I write this. I am not trying to paint a sympathetic picture. I am not trying to write a story. Call this an open letter. Call this whatever you want.
