After the APS massacre,
A song played on every TV Channel,
Which began to heal the hearts of the entire nation.
I remember that my father loved that song so much that he heard it everyday until the day he died.
My father passed away 15 days after the massacre.
And yes, the month of December in 2014 left no doubt of being cursed.
When the country sung ‘bara dushman bana phirta hai’
Over the graves of children that did not manage to recognize the sound of bullets soon enough to run.
I, hummed goodbyes into my father’s ear.
Who may have lost his reason to live.
Or might have found a good enough reason to die in this dark month.
And from a kid that has always been put to sleep with melodies.
I always thought that there is nothing more beautiful than the pleasing and gentle sound of my mothers lullaby.
How she gently stroked my skull with her long nails.
And the smile on her face was like god smiling from the heavens.
How she always kissed my forehead when I would fall asleep.
I always believed that music is the only thing pure and permanent in this world.
And this is how I feel song is the remedy to anything.
How misery and memory are just strings on a guitar.
From the hymn sung on my father’s funeral.
To the screaming sound of my nephew making his way into this world.
A baby Testing his lungs of how loud can they go.
And a family howling and mourning over a life lost.
Music is the remedy to everything.
A broken heart.
A shattered faith.
A frightened soul.
Music is the magic scent that rekindles anything that has lost its charm.
It is the touch of God.
And just like you can’t see god.
You can’t see music either.
But You can only feel it.
And lately,
I’ve been feeling more like my father.
Not that I’m dying but I have so many melodies marked on my failures.
And I put them on repeat every night.
When I think of the next song to add to the playlist.
And my ears just can’t let go of that feeling.
The feeling when I’m afraid of the future but can’t hold on to the past.
The feeling when every song on my playlist is so soothing that I’m afraid that it might put me to sleep forever.
But this feeling is what makes life seem real.
Music is what makes life seem worth it.
But there are times when I am so tired of hearing my heart singing sad songs,
Tired of depression stabbing my heart and I, watching it bleed that If I could rip my ears and cut my heart off, I would.
When my reason to live is just the guitar string playing a melody called hope snapping under the strains of life.
You see sometimes I wonder what song would play the moment I take my last breath.
I wonder if the belt on my waist could hold my body when it is hung against the ceiling.
Or if the building I jump off into a Coldplay concert as they play fix you.
Will be the last time this skin sings.
I’ve made a playlist of every time I considered killing myself over the past month.
But today,
When I saw you,
My skin played a new song called love.
A song that restored my hope.
That elevated my pain.
That gave me a reason to smile.
You, are my reason to smile.
And it made me shut up and for once, listen.
Listen to the sound of my family howling on my funeral after I’m dead.
The sound of my daughter crying out to her father as she makes her way into this world and I, am waiting in the empty neon hallway 10 years from now.
Or The sound of her singing me to sleep.
So on the days when I consider suicide.
I sing the way blood has left my body and I hum the way my body has made more.
I attach another string to that broken guitar called belief,
And I play this song of one more day.
You see,
The thing I’ve learned about this journey is that it’s not even about believing.
It’s about gathering every sound to form a beautiful song of memories that you could play on your funeral.
It is to replace the howling sound of sorrow into the gentle whispers of I love yous and goodbyes.
And when was life ever about reaching its end,
It was always about never stopping.
And if there’s anything I will take away from this experience of life,
Is that life is just God’s instrument.
And that we are all just here to play God’s love song.
