7th February, 2011:
Hey !!
FiLums is going green this year! Yay! Lol. And, so are my nails. Yes, just applied NEON green on my nails to go with the shirt I’m planning to wear tomorrow for the opening ceremony. Uff Naush, you have no idea how busy I’ve been this whole week: handling all these petty social’s issues for the FiLums weekend, not to mention this new 20-hour-internship I signed up for, and then the assignments and quizzes and sometimes readings for classes too.
So, I am planning to wear that green frock I wore to the bonfire last year. Yea, I look fat in it but that’s the only ‘right-amount-of-formal green’ which I have, AND it’s easy to iron. And, that’s the shade I’m coloring my nails. Oh, I shall look greener than the FiLums banner tomorrow you wait.
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2nd March, 2011:
Naushiii!
I got my first check today!! Ok, technically it isn’t the “first check ever” sort of a thing but, it’s my first from LUMS. So, the weekend shall be a shopping spree for Ashi! Oh oh, I’ve decided all that I want to buy: a Khaadi kurta for mom and a tie for dad and some law book for Farhan and something for Parsa. But I really can’t decide between CK Downtown and Gucci Envy Me for myself. Gucci shall leave me with very less money on my hands but I really do want it. But, Downtown’s not bad either. I think I’ll go with Downtown this time and next time InshAllah Gucci scene ho ga.
Other than the materialistic excitement I’ve been going through all day, there hasn’t been much. Sat with Fatima and her friends at khokha for quite some hours in the evening today. The conversation started from something like “Imran Khan’s hot so he has my vote next time around” and went on to “damn yar PDC k cooks itna crappy khana KAISE bana lete hain? Must be some hell of a determination there!” to “yar aglay saal Tomorrowland ka scene banatay hain” to I guess the Maulana Tariq Jameel’s lecture from last week-yes it practically was all over the place.
They’re a jolly good company Sheri. It’s nice procrastination sitting with them.
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3rd March, 2011:
Hi Nausherwan.
I’m having the dreams again. And they’re becoming frequent again. Acha khaasa they had stopped for a couple of months now but since last week, I’m kind of having them on alternate nights. Last Sunday, it lasted for barely 20 seconds. All I saw was a strong tide coming my way and then I was rubbing sand off my face and that’s all. Next dream, it was longer: the tide was slower but it almost reached my feet, and I could even hear some ringing sounds. The sand was again on my face but this time it was hurting my eyes. And then I woke up.
Mom said I should take an appointment from the psychiatrist again. It will help, she said. I will take an appointment, but Naush, am I losing sanity?
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8th March, 2011:
Heyy Ushaay!
The entire campus air is full of fragrances of so many different kinds of flowers, soch hai tumhari! And all these colors and noises make it even better. I am so glad to have been born in Spring Naush, I must be a really lucky girl.
Anyways, I had a great day today. I worked out for longer than the routine and went out for dinner. We tried the steaks at Arizona first and then we had frozen yogurt. And then we window shopped the entire Y-Block market. Charles and Keith took my breath away, like it does every single time, but today I bought a clutch from there. It’s pink and orange and it can be used casually and semi-formally so I guess it’s going to be worthwhile. And I also bought these really cute earrings for Anoush; they’re very similar to the ones you gifted me last year and I thought I’d buy them because she had really wanted those and I hadn’t really wanted to share those then so I just bought these ones. She’ll love them I bet.
Also, it’s getting so pleasant in the rooms with just the windows open. Very rarely is the need felt to switch on the fan. And oh! After we got back on campus tonight, I treated myself with a Raffaello- it feels so light and refreshing for a chocolate- well not exactly a CHOCOLATE chocolate but yea, the whole coconut covered wafer around the white milk faked to taste like white chocolate coated almond was a delicacy. The one I made you eat once at khokha which made you cough? It’s that one.
Oh and hey, Happy Birthday, hon.
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17th March, 2011:
Hello.
Haven’t been having much time to write and well, Mom doesn’t really approve of it much. So I have to make sure I don’t upset her much. She’s already quite worried about the lack of peaceful sleep I get and she was outrageous when the doctor prescribed me Rozerem. She doesn’t show it much but I see it through her eyes: she’s awfully worried and I’m sorry about that. But at least she’s relieved to see that I visit the psychiatrist in routine.
But my psychiatrist doesn’t look much pleased. How much ever punctual I am with my appointments and assignments which she gives, there is something that bothers her and I have no clue what.
Otherwise, all’s smooth. Meal routines are fine and I do hangout with people. I am happy all day Nausherwan, but then when I’m done, I don’t feel like going up to my room. It just suffocates me there. Especially the bed. I don’t like the bed Naush, I don’t like sleeping! I have weird dreams. They’re all full of water and sand and deafening sounds! So I started taking the pills last week; I take them right after dinner so that they have come in effect by the time I get back to the dorms after some chit chat over tea.
I feel dizzy. It’s Rozerem only, don’t worry, I’m fine. I’m here at home, and mom’s here. I’m sleepy I guess. GTG maybe? Lol.
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20th March, 2011:
Hey Naush.
I told the psychiatrist about my writing- about these emails which I send. I had to.
I have been trying to get over last October, but she thinks I’m getting nowhere with that effort. And she thinks it’s because of the writing. She thinks I have all those dreams because of the writing too: the water, the sand, those sounds everything! She also wants me to stop taking those pills immediately. Can’t blame her for that; it reacted.
That night when I fell asleep, it wasn’t like routine. My head seemed to have drowned into the pillow as I lay straight on my bed. The room got warm but I felt a cool breeze blowing. Like an evening breeze on a sunny day. And then I saw you. You were standing there, like just 4 feet from me, and you were smiling. I walked towards you. And I felt like my feet were in sand; warm sand. And just then, I was there in front of you, and I had burst out laughing; your hair looked like they look when you walk into class, right out of bed 10 minutes into the quiz! But my laughter was echoing. And then it all slowed down. A wave of water hit us- hit you actually, your back was towards the sea, I just got slightly splashed. You were falling face down. It took you one infinitely long second to fall- I know that because I inhaled slowly; it was taking up a lot of my energy. And then I plunged forward to grasp your arms and pull you up but instead, you were pulling me. You were going in the water. And then it all sped up: you were being pulled into the water by this big wave of water but it wasn’t a wave- waves don’t have faces! It had a big oval thing which was a transparent hollow every time it opened as if to talk to me. And the wind blew faster. My nails were cutting deeper into your arms; I could feel droplets of blood mixing with the sweat of my hand and spreading over every fine fiber of my skin. And then I could hear these freaking loud noises; they were like bells first, bells which would ring mercilessly as the storm raged on but then it sounded like trumpets, really loud trumpets piercing through my ears into every vein of my body. My body ached: I was desperately pulling you back towards the sand and the mixture of sand and water that layered my face made it difficult to breathe and the sounds tore through every atom of my body. But my lips were moving, I guess I was trying to say something. But why would I say anything? There was so much noise, such chaos, who would hear anything? But then I heard- from amidst all the chaos, I heard your voice- “hold on Ashi”. I was petrified and confused? Why were you so calm? And why would you be talking to me? But most of all, how could I still hear you- my ears were bleeding! And then I saw that oval faced wave again Naush. The oval curved into a smile Naush, and then the final raucous blew, for an immeasurable a moment and the water buried my face into the sand. I breathed that one last gasp. My heart was hurting.
I had “passed out while sleeping last night” Nausherwan. I don’t know what am I supposed to understand of that but this much I know that you aren’t good for my health. And nor for mom’s.
I told this to the psychiatrist, Sheri, and I asked her how was I? She said I’m alive, Sheri. And she said that I had to live.
I think she’s right- right about the writing, right about the living.
But I thought, just this one last time I’d tell you how I was.
I’m fine, Sheri.
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Two Years Later
15th April, 2013:
You know what happened last week when I was all sad and teary at my rukhsati? My husband held my hand. The force on my hand made my hand sweat; my fingers formed a semi circle in his hand and the thumb felt loose in his grip, and my hand felt so tiny in his!
I heard a whisper Naush. “Hold on Ashi.” And I looked up. You weren’t there.
But you’ve been here every second.
I guess I miss you, hon.
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6th August, 2013:
HEY!
I’m expecting. Funny, no?
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