‘This world is a strange place.’ I find myself saying this more often now. We co-reside, alongside many phenomena, which we fail to recognise in our daily encounters, yet they form the very basis of the society we live in. Their eventual discovery not only baffles us but inflames several though-provoking questions. We all find our own ways of answering them, but, believe it or not, some questions have no answers.
I underwent such an experience, last Ramadan, at a grand Iftari party hosted by my uncle. I witnessed one of the most bizarre things ever. One of my uncle’s friends brought both his wives to the party.
It was not the whole idea of polygamy that surprised me at that instance, I had known that it existed in some little compartment of my society, what astonished me was the treatment of the wives. Equality in treatment was evident from the mere fact that he brought both of them, without distinguishing between any one of them. Plus, watching them both happily enjoy the party together without any squabble rather surprised me. For me, polygamy mostly existed in rural context, but its prevalence in the urban scenario, as a part of my own social circle, was a discovery.
However, as I was not keen in taking what I saw at face value, I started looking for more instances of the same issue. This is when the commonality of this phenomenon surfaced before me in the form of several newspaper articles on a man marrying two cousins simultaneously and the flashing headlines of news channels about a ‘great’ man marrying the love of his life and the girl of his parents’ choice at the same moment. These cases were rather spiced up by the media with incredible interviews of the happy couples.
Why would a man marry more than one woman? Don’t they themselves say that ‘we don’t understand women, they are complicated.’ Then how do these men expect to understand let alone one, but so many of them. It is such a contradiction on their behalf. Some offer the simple argument of the female population exceeding male population, who suffer from infant mortality and wars more than women; thus making it impractical to leave the female population unmarried. Another argument is based on the moral principles. Polygamy protects society from the evils of prostitution and extramarital affairs; plus women are offered more protection in a polygamous marriage than in a monogamous one, as it means she is with one man, who supports her and she bears legitimate children for him. Thus, she resides in a safe space, sheltered from society’s taboos for unmarried women or those with illegitimate children.
However, the prior discussion leaves a major question unanswered: ‘what does it mean for the women?’ We have discussed and are aware of the numerous reasons why men practice polygamy, but why do these women agree to such a relationship. On one hand we find numerous quotes like ‘a jealous woman does better research than FBI’ on our facebook streams and on the other we find many women becoming part of such marriages. Some may attribute it to women of age unable to find suitable spouses and others claim that a woman always needs economic support and protection, which only a man can provide. Does this apply in today’s society, where many women can, if given a chance, support themselves economically?
In our society, many hide behind the banner of Islam for their own motives. You will find numerous male chauvinists using the same argument to back up their claims. Many will say: ‘Islam main tu char shadiyan jaiz hain!’
Let me quote the Quran here: “And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].” (Quran 4:3)
This verse makes it clear that, although polygamy is permissible, it is applicable in only certain conditions in which the man provides all his wives the same rights and privileges. Otherwise he must marry only one. Do men actually observe this injunction? Many might, but the majority does not. Islam is a beautiful religion, not a misogynist one, like many male chauvinists’ interpretations have made it seem like. It promotes justice and protection for women; this verse being a clear evidence of that.
The whole debate on Polygamy also made me question the ideas of modernity. According to Anthony Giddens, modernity brought about the concept of romantic love, where people married because of love and affection, rather than for economic and social circumstances in pre-modern era. In our society, I found many instances of a man marrying a second wife just because the first one could not bear him children or just because he likes more than one wives; those of you who ever watched ‘Mera Saaein’ on ARY Digital would understand what I mean. Is the Pakistani society still stuck in the pre-modern times where marriage brings no love and is just based on satisfying our societal and economic needs?
Talking in terms of practicality of such marriages, the psychological impact on both women and children must be emphasized. Based on about 1,500 quantitative and qualitative questionnaires in twelve Malaysian states, a study was conducted in 2010 by the Sisters in Islam, a Malaysian group. Its findings depicted the emotional costs of polygamy in the form of feelings of neglect and jealousy in the women. Furthermore, the children in such marriages were also impacted due to the neglect by the father and fewer resources directed towards their wellbeing. The child’s key relation in this case developed with the mother, who was expected to support her children in the case of father failing to perform his duties.
It has been for several generations that we have continuously debated on ‘What are women to men?’ It is rather time to change the lens and understand ‘What are women to themselves’. The world has become a globalised sphere and the Pakistani youth is no less behind in constantly evaluating every idea before incorporating it in their lives. With the responsibility to adhere to religion also comes the responsibility to correctly interpret it in the first place. One can be blinded by societal pressures but the true discovery of self is only possible if such pertinent issues are addressed and vigorously debated upon. This is how nations evolve and this is how nations progress; for the best.
“They’ll say you are bad
or perhaps you are mad
or at least you
should stay undercover.
Your mind must be bare
if you would dare
to think you can love
more than one lover.”
― David Rovics
