The room was bright yellow. Perhaps it was painted in order to lift gloomy spirits. Whether it managed to accomplish that or not is a different story. What it did do was distract Luna’s thoughts and for now, that was good enough.
Her mind was a mess. That was the only thing Luna was sure of as she sank deep into the blue sofa facing her therapist who sat smiling kindly with a clipboard and some official looking documents on her lap. Luna could make out the words ‘emotional trauma’, ‘low self – esteem’ and ‘manipulation’ before the papers were quickly swept up by the counselor and hidden from her sight.
‘So, how do you feel today?’ The therapist asked sympathetically.
How do I feel? Thought Luna. And the wheels in her head started whirring…
__________________________________________________________________
Think rationalize justify explain EXPLAIN argument 1 argument 2 proof 1,2,3,4,5… Reason talk analyze evaluate look around clues red flag signs symptoms anxiety attack panic stomach knots flip-flop tick tock time bomb scream erratic noisy sob you don’t understand… In someone’s shoes… Break mirrors screenshot snap snap snap Panadol expose warn beware PLEASE listen…
Target prey force coerce manipulate haunt kill subtly mind twists games games games gaslight lie defer defer don’t leave, please. I’ll die don’t talk to anyone don’t talk to anyone don’t talk to anyone DON’T. Be a good victim there there everything’s better now stay trapped you’re reactionary don’t create drama haunt HAUNT destroy smile here smile there play play play only helping just celebrating you manipulate manipulate manipulate antibiotics check up check up sideways glances judge. To hell with your rights… disbelief contradictions denial…
Change.
No more laughter no music no songs so change… be nasty be insecure be a terrible mind fuck don’t know what’s real anymore…
Who trust who? Be angry you’re not good not enough more supply need more supply more targets need to feed go in the cage let me turn the lock… hate my friends hate my family. Stay away from everyone… not your intuition, not your gut just irrational fear I’m sorry I’m sorry… make my decisions for me take the blame take the blame take the FREAKING blame…
It’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault STOP STOP STOP STOP.
Breathe. Breathe… Good, again. Breathe… Look at the ceiling. Breathe in… Breathe out. Good.
Being hard on myself is an art I’ve perfected over the months. One small trigger and off I go. Why didn’t I do anything to help myself? Why didn’t I know what to do? Why did this happen? I should have been smarter. I should have been prepared. I should have spoken up. I should have protected my mind from the threats, lies, deceit, force, coercion and manipulation. Should have should have. Wait. I know why I didn’t. Because I was doing the best I could in an impossible situation. I did my best. Isn’t that all we ever have? Doing our best? The people who love me and care about me might not have my phenomenology, but they are doing their best to support me. That much I know. I know. So breathe. Just be. Easy. They forgive me. About time I forgive myself. I have come so far… only a little bit farther to go. I am human and for that reason, I will extend to myself the same love I extend towards the people I know are hurting. I will empathize with myself the same way I empathize with others. Break the walls and embrace the pain. Feel it fully so that I am left to believe better things. My sense of self-worth and self-esteem will come through internal validation: I have learned so much. Grown so much. It will not come from outside sources. It comes from me. I have boundaries now. I can spot toxins now a mile away. I don’t let everybody in… And I choose my battles. That’s wiser than I ever thought I would be. There will always be those who question. But I don’t need to answer. I set my rules now. It’s okay to lose some things – friends, innocence, wars – to win what matters most: Finding myself.
__________________________________________________________________
‘Luna?’ her counselor pressed. And suddenly the girl zapped out of her own world of reflections.
‘You wouldn’t understand’ Luna replied, and turned away hoping against hope that the tears in her eyes would only look like a reflection of the pouring rain outside the window.
